RantFever 4

I pontificate but not in the pejorative sense of the word.

Archive of Rant Fever 3, 2, 1, & Beta

Giullieta's Confession

by: Mindy Hess | on: 2006-03-05 00:00:00
Sometimes life has these moments where everything culminates. You feel like you’re coasting by, things almost stagnant, then *boom* choices unfold. Some time ago, Abinadi asked for my picture, and as ever I was elusive. Anonymity comes as a welcome protection because one can avoid to some extent an amount of awkwardness, and most importantly in this case, presumption. But something happened over time, by keeping my identity a secret I was then able to develop a certain part of myself that I never really had a chance to show to anyone else. Sometimes when you’re stuck in your body and given circumstances, you feel as though there are certain expectations regarding who you’re supposed to be. The person that I was when I stumbled across Rant Fever two years ago is profoundly different than the person I’ve become having had one tiny chance to express myself, and see myself as the person I wanted to be.

Alright, perhaps I am making this a little more dramatic than it has to be. But that’s just it, by keeping a secret for so long the anonymity became something bigger than that which I was hiding. Dodging Abinadi’s questions became habit more or less, but in recent months I’ve toyed with the idea of revealing myself. Needless to say, the apprehension towards the inevitable explanation was overwhelming, so instead I tried to put more of the “real world” self into what I’ve been writing. Then something happened, my “real life” became a mess. Not in the sense that tragedy hit, but rather that I was forced to come to terms with some pretty big mistakes I’ve made in the past once and for all. I lost part of myself when I made those mistakes, and lost even more by hiding in shame. The thing is, I finally realized that “Giullieta” was the missing piece I needed, and it was time for them to merge.

Last Thursday marked the day of the unveiling, and in my explanation, I’m going to invoke my rights as a fellow ranter by going off on a prolonged tangent.With the many experiences I’ve had in my lifetime, there have been only a handful of days that were as perfect as that simple Thursday. I awoke at 4:00 in the morning to a ringing cell phone, my friend Michael on the other end frantically telling me his wife was in labor. These dear friends of mine had asked me to be the Godmother of their baby two months prior, and I had yet to give them a final answer. Last year, 20 year-old Jewel and Michael took their marriage vows a shocking nine days from the day they met, and the news of her pregnancy soon followed. I had harbored a judgmental attitude, but regardless of personal approval, I rushed to the hospital where the soon-to-be mother was resting peacefully. Michael and I talked more than we ever had before, and it suddenly hit me that we had become such close friends simply because he loved Jewel, and therefore wanted her life to become his completely. He explained that the labor pains had been going on for almost four days, and she’d probably deliver within the next two hours. Those two hours turned into ten, and after calling in sick to work, I spent the day with a hand on Jewel’s back, watching a monitor closely and coaching her breathing through the contractions. Michael was there holding her hand and smiling, but I could see how afraid he was.

When it came time for the family to choose who stays and who goes, I told Jewel I’d wait outside. Michael nodded his head, but Jewel told me to stay. She asked if it was alright with me because she didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. I gave her a look that simultaneously expressed the absurdity of that question, and my amazement as I realized what she was asking. So at a quarter to two, little Abigail Rose took her first breath of life, opened her eyes and immediately looked up at her mother. Michael followed the nurses and the baby as I stayed to comfort Jewel through the messiness of afterbirth, and before long they brought the baby back to meet her mother for the first time. Abigail worried the doctors a little because she wouldn’t cry, but I could see it in the endless smiles that this little newborn was so happy to finally be here. Jewel turned to Michael and asked if he wanted to hold her, to which he answered “yes” as though he hadn’t been able to breathe for the last four days. He was too afraid of hurting the baby, and didn’t know how to pick her up, so he asked me to take her from Jewel and place her in his arms, which I did. Needless to say, I was honored to accept the role as Godmother.

Afterwards, I came home for a few minutes before leaving again to talk to my Mother, and found Abinadi still online. I knew that at that moment, fear and trepidation wasn’t a factor, and it was finally time to come clean before doubt could creep back in. Ready to confess all, I sent my picture along with my first name and that was that. Seeing as I hadn’t wanted presumption to be a factor in the first place, I knew that whatever happened I couldn’t possibly assume anything about his reaction, nevertheless there was a problem. Something was lost in that transaction, and the anticlimax was one I hadn’t anticipated. Realizing just how silly I had made my circumstance, I laughed at myself to the point of tears, completely shocked yet elated at the outcome. I set myself up, and this stupid "secret" just wouldn't let go.


After all this time and all this build-up, Abinadi didn’t recognize the picture. He didn’t remember me.

Comments

el Seco 2006-03-05 00:00:00

What the heck!

Dubya 2006-03-05 00:00:00

I'm confused.

ArizonaBoy 2006-03-06 00:00:00

Please correct my misunderstanding... does one not need to be Catholic or of the parents fatih to be a Godparent? I have always been told that a godparent first of all sponsors the baptism of the infant child and is to ensure the religious education of the child. Based on my information, which again may be incomplete, you, Guilietta, are LDS.

Giullieta 2006-03-06 00:00:00

Godparent in the sense that if anything were to happen to the parents, I would have custody of the child (which would explain my hesitancy)and hold on to an additional copy of her birth certificate. However, both I and my friends are LDS, and so we will all be there to provide spiritual guidance.

ArizonaBoy 2006-03-06 00:00:00

If you are indeed up to the task, Abigail's parents need to formalize the status in a will of sorts. Currently, no state recognize the legal status of God parents. Courts generally take the status into consideration, but they are not legally obligated to grant custody.

el Seco 2006-03-06 00:00:00

Well folks, Giullieta had to spell it out for me, but finally I understand. I have, in fact, known her for years and years. I am a bit chagrinned; nonetheless, I'm very glad to have her as a ranter.

Giullieta, please tell your brother I said hello.

Giullieta 2006-03-06 00:00:00

Arizonaboy - The papers will be drawn up so that until I feel I am financially prepared for the task, Abigail will go to Michael's parents. The additional birth certificate is more symbolic than anything else. I think the real issue is that both parents are only children, therefore I would take the place of a would-be Aunt.


el Seco - With the strangeness of the situation, I am somewhat embarrased myself. However, you've been very open all this time, and I thank you for allowing me to be a part of your forum. I'm glad to be here as well.

And of course, I know that my older brother will be excited to hear from you.

Debbie 2006-03-06 00:00:00

On the picture, it's like reading a novel... You picture in your mind what each character looks like. These characters stay with you through the entire book. Then what does Hollywood do? They make a movie of the book, put actors in the movie that don't look anything like the characters you have in your head. They just ruin it for you. ha