RantFever 4

I pontificate but not in the pejorative sense of the word.

Archive of Rant Fever 3, 2, 1, & Beta

Posts in February 2007

Miracle of Miracles

by: Abinadi Ayerdis | on: 2007-02-25 00:00:00
My friends, thanks to divine intervention, I am saved from the destroying angel. That's right, I have survived my illness.

At this time I would like to thank all those who expressed their concern and offered help and advice. You are all good people. Never change.

I would add that since I faced death, I learned things about myself that I never knew. For example, I learned that my greatest fear is that I am left behind during the Rapture based on how well I know American History from 1492 to 1865. (Right now I know that Dubya is smiling for two reasons: 1. that is a really funny joke involving the Rapture; 2. if qualification were based off of American History knowledge alone, Dubya would be sitting pretty.)

That is all.

James Cameron Thinks he is an Archealogist

by: Justin Mills | on: 2007-02-25 00:00:00
James Cameron, the famous director, thinks he has found Christ's tomb and the bones of Jesus and his family (including his wife Mary and their child).

There is so much in the claim that Jesus was never resurrected and had children that is wrong historically speaking that it's amazing that so many seemingly intelligent people around the world can fall for it.

The article addresses a few of the problems with believing that Jesus and his family (including some of his siblings and his mother and father) were buried in the communal grave. But overall, people seem to have a need to create convoluted and complex explanations for why the Biblical account is wrong, and they seem to get more complex and confusing as time goes by.

UPDATE: Ha ha ha ha ha! What a loser.

Presidential Jeapordy!

by: Russell Updike | on: 2007-02-23 00:00:00
My little sister gave me a call this week. She was putting together an activity for church. She wanted to play Jeopardy all based on facts from the various Presidencies. I helped her come up with a number of questions. She reported back to me a few nights later to tell me how it went. I was disgusted to learn how little college students actually know about the presidency.
Here is a list of some of the question missed that I feel any red-blooded American should know:

1. This was the first president to be born in Kentucky, though Illinois’ state nickname mentions him.

2. One of his most famous speeches was at the Berlin Wall on June 12, 1987. He demanded "Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"

3. He said "The only safe rule is to promise little, and faithfully to keep every promise; to 'speak softly and carry a big stick.'"

4. He set the standard of two terms. Not a law until FDR and his four elected terms.

5. This president led the U.S. in the Civil War from 1861-1865. (people actually missed this one.)

6. The only two presidents to be impeached.

Life, Liberty, and Property

by: Abinadi Ayerdis | on: 2007-02-19 00:00:00
My friends near and far, I am a sick man. I have fallen ill, I suspect, to the same virus that has recently plagued my roommate (otherwise referred to as G.G.). The symptoms include a sort of ache emanating from the general area of everywhere on my entire body. This ache is accompanied by debilitating congestion and an always-annoying cough.

I find it interesting that upon discovering my physical malady, people offer up all sorts of friendly advice.

"Take vitamin C," they tell me. Or, "go to the doctor." And other such nonsense.

It has become painfully obvious to me that I am in the very throws of death itself. That's right, my friends, I said death itself! If you should look for me tomorrow, you'll find me a grave man.

I ask only this: that you do not morn my passing; rather, that you instead celebrate my life. Read more...

Tips for men this Valentine's Day

by: Jennie Martin Howe | on: 2007-02-13 00:00:00
Having trouble with the ladies this time of year? Here are quite a few ways to make your girl happy:

#1- When she asks how she looks shurg and say "could be better". This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

#2- Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. OR if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.

#3-Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs, they love to be roughed up.

#4- Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say, "You'd better be". Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

#5- If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words @.%$!! while you grab the other girls hiney. Girls love competition.

#6- Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly tin her ear"...because I can."Read more...

Diet Chocolate Fudge Soda

by: Abinadi Ayerdis | on: 2007-02-07 00:00:00
The other day I was with a small gathering of friends. I was thirsty and found a refrigerator full of sodas. As I perused through the labels, my eye struck upon one titled, "Diet Chocolate Fudge." I thought to myself, "I like chocolate, and I like soda. Why not?"

I repented of my decision one gulp later.

Interestingly, after noting my look of disgust, friend after friend decided that they would like a taste of that unfortunate concoction as well. The drank to their own dismay, yet the soda kept being passed around. What does that say about human nature? I don't know, but I do know that all should avoid Diet Chocolate Fudge soda ... although you will probably drink it if you get the chance.

The value of an inch

by: Jennie Martin Howe | on: 2007-02-04 00:00:00
In my days as a hairstylist I have come across a startling and disappointing realization: The general public does not know how long an inch is. I've seen a person show "an inch" of hair that was near 3 inches at one point! I thought this was taught in grade school, but it seems to have been left out of a few generation's curriculum.

I have devised a test to see if we, as ranters, are above this epidemic. Please look at the following lines, and without cheating or measuring in anyway, rant back which line you think is closest to an inch. Read more...